Not Falling Apart
by Orokid
Summary: Shizuma and Nagisa try to pretend like they're not hurt, that they aren't falling apart...


_Disclaimer: I own nothing. I take no credit in the characters, the anime, the manga, anything. I barely even can say I own the idea for the story. Who knows, right? Please read and enjoy._

**Not Falling Apart**

Nagisa stood at her window, unable to find sleep as the sun slowly rose from behind the trees of Astraea Hill. Her thoughts were constant, ever changing as it was, and it seemed as though there was no way for her to find dreams while her mind whirled without stop. It might've been stupid for her to hold on to her never-ending questions instead of giving up upon them, but she couldn't stop herself from the banter that was within wanting to be screamed out so someone would understand. Besides the answers, that was all she really wanted- but it would be Hell trying to find a soul who wouldn't turn away from her now.

It was odd, but the more she wanted to get away from the subject of her misfortune, it became more and more apparent that her heart yearned to be a piece of someone who she couldn't let go of. The girl found it impossible to give up on her dream of being special to that certain someone, and it both angered and depressed her that she would never get to be that way.

That was why she had agreed to become a candidate for the next Etoilé- to forget the soul that had bonded her to such heartache. She thought that, if she could survive this, it would be no trouble getting over her. The girl would give her all, would pretend that it wouldn't hurt every time their eyes would meet, and she would hold her head high through it all.

The red haired girl finally turned from the window, slipping under her covers as quietly as she could. Her roommate didn't need to see that her best friend was still so weak after all that had happened, so she was going to try and hide her pain as best as she could. It was her heartache after all- no other should be forced to bear it, and so she refused to let anyone do so.

She just didn't know that she had been watched the entire night by the blue orbs of the girl she wanted to hide her broken heart from.

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

When morning had come, she had tried not to allow her exhaustion show, and she only received the knowing stares of both her closest friend and the student counsel president. Yet, still, she was all smiles, holding on to what sanity she might have held onto, and she refused to let anyone see that the Miatré candidate was dying from the inside out. It was her friends who could see through her façade, as well as…

They had somehow run into one another while Nagisa and her roommate, Tamao, had been speaking of the election and keeping her usually one track mind upon a subject that gave her thoughts a mild detour for the time being. Immediately, the girl's mask had faltered, and tears seemed to spring up at the very sight of the woman. While she pushed down her aching needs to sob, to yell at the girl who had ensnared almost every thought, she merely gave her a quick bow and wished that she was having a good day so far. Afterwards, she calmly walked away, her friend barely realizing what had occurred, chasing after the one who seemed oh so adamant to vacate the premises.

The woman hadn't even allowed a flicker of emotion cross her eyes the entire time, and Miyuki could tell that the information was what was really killing the kind hearted girl. But, with a quick glance at the friend that she stood beside, she knew that hurting the red haired young woman at all seemed to be murder to her friend's already tortured heart.

When the girl had gotten far enough from the ever watchful eyes of fellow Miatré-going students, her legs had begun to grow heavy, tired from the weight her game of pretend that pulled at her very core. Her heart throbbed in a never-ending ache, and her hands only grasped at her chest as if to try to stop the hurt. Tears flowed from her crimson eyes without pause, and she wished above all else to have her beating heart stop it's pain filled drumming than to be forced to hide her tears like she had been doing ever since she had come back to the dormitories that night not so long ago.

It was then that her legs had finally given out, having lost their will power to move through the hallways of the dorms. There was a clicking of heels behind her, faster than they had been before, and soon there were arms wrapped about her- an occurrence she had expected, as if knowing instinctively who it was rather than taking her time to look. Neither spoke, but Tamao only waited patiently as her roommate sobbed into her clean uniform. She knew that any a fool could see that her heart and soul was broken beyond repair- and all because of the school's beloved Etoilé- but she would be the one to hide it for Nagisa's sake alone.

When her tears had somewhat subsided, her close friend had helped her to her feet, never once letting go of her for fear that she would once more crumble to her knees as she had done before. They had made it to their room with a few questionable glances, most wondering what the problem was that their school's beloved Nagisa, but that had only led to a bit of relief in both girls. Still, that seemed only to make their minds certain that the students roaming Saint Miatré knew of the emotions the red haired young woman held for the one that was nothing short of an obsession for their eyes alone, whether they wanted it to be true or not.

Yet when Nagisa had tunneled herself beneath the soft, gentle and relaxing covers, looking so forlorn and alone, anyone who looked far enough could see that she would rather be downstairs in the school, living her life as she had before she had found herself so deeply in love. Then again, her closest friend felt that the former version of herself would still be too immature to understand love, let alone the complexities it brought. Going back to the beginning wouldn't give the girl the chance to grow into such a woman as God had meant her to be.

Tucking the young woman in as though it were night outside instead of day, her young roommate kissed her forehead, not saying anything more than a "get well" to her. To tell the truth, the red head was as understanding and patient as Tamao was. While she wished that her heart would change its affections, she knew that it was more than impossible- Shizuma was the one she wanted more than life itself.

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

Shizuma gazed at her solemn expression in the mirror of the room she shared with a shadow, wondering why she couldn't see past the sorrow within her eyes. How much pain must she go through before she would lose her grief over the death of her lost yet beloved Kaori? Each time the question had come up in her mental wanderings, she had ended with the same answer- a breath of wind that spoke nothing but whispers from a plane of existence she couldn't understand.

She banged her fists against the reflecting surface, shattering pieces from their respective places underneath her ferocious attack. Each time she had taken to looking at herself as she was, she could only remember the gaze from that certain red haired girl, see the tears that she had been trying so hard not to cry, and her heart seemed only to fall to pieces at the memories.

The young woman known as the school's beloved Etoilé could feel blood run down her arms, trickling slowly into the uniform she had tried hard not to tarnish. But, as much as she could feel the blood, she could feel the tears fall slowly yet endlessly down her cheeks, and she wished beyond every wish that she had ever made in her lifetime that she could stop the pain that was in her heart every time she took to remember the hurt that she had seen in Nagisa's eyes earlier.

Slowly, her hands retreated from their clenched position on the mirror, shards of the glass falling down onto the sink from where they had stuck to her skin. Blood dripped soundlessly onto the tiled surface as she meekly lowered her head and allowed the pain to flow as easily as it would have to, and disallowed her eyes from ever looking at the surface again.

"N-Nagisa-chan…" she sobbed, slowly falling to her knees as her heartache overtook her ease to stand.

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

Dinnertime was probably the worst it could ever be, considering it was her duty to lead the dormitories in their usual prayer before eating. It was her duty to sit gracefully after thanking God for this bountiful feast and eat pleasantly amongst her peers. She was forced to swallow things that she would rather live without at that moment, but she made no move to stop. Her duty was to be done, and that was all she had left. Especially after…

She had snuck a glance towards the red haired beauty of whom she had caused a broken heart, and she couldn't help the soft smile that had come upon her lips. Nagisa, like herself, was doing the same that she was doing- hiding behind conversations, laughing about one thing or another, and saying that they were full once dinner had been called off. True, each of them would get a skeptic eye since their plates were still marginally full- especially the younger of them, who had once been known as a human vacuum.

At least she, the Etoilé, could get away with not eating since she had practiced it prior when Kaori had died. Still, she would get a stare from Miyuki that only she could read from, although she made no movement to follow the gentle orders within them. In fact, she would turn and hold her head high, defiant against the eyes of her friend that only continued to watch her knowingly.

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

Nagisa, in all her worry, didn't notice the eyes of her friends above the distant sea green eyes of the one she couldn't admit to loving ever again. It was too hard to, since that was all she had taken to thinking about since their parting, and she hated admitting that there was something missing in her life whenever they were near each other. Sure, there were constant reminders everywhere- memories of what could have been surrounded her endlessly, and it was impossible to find a place of comfort without remembering that her beloved had once been there with her, smiling and laughing… and trying to forget her lost love.

God, she hated how she had been so stupid to believe that, for once, she might have a chance with a wonderful obsession like Shizuma. Mentally, she smacked herself for using the Lord's name in vain, but then remembered that- to be in vain- she would have to be angry, and that was something that she was definitely not. Depressed, yes, but not angry or spiteful- she loved the woman way too much to hate her in any sort of way. That was why she was forcing herself to forget about her and all of the things they had done together. True, it would be easier if she had amnesia since forgetting was off her lists- but since that wouldn't happen, she knew she would have to do it in more conventional means- the hard way.

It wasn't like Shizuma had ever needed her as much as she needed Shizuma, and she would be damned to break into tears and pain like she had that night when she had walked home in that thunderstorm. She had to be strong, and she had to keep telling herself that it was better this way- she was healthier and bettered by it.

If only she herself would believe such a lie.

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

Dinner had come and gone soon enough, and the girls of Astraea Dorms had been excused to return to their dormitories for the night so that they may sleep or study. Shizuma had found it harder and harder yet to stand by and pretend anymore, and she wanted the aches that threatened her heart each day to stop their violent pursuit. Yet, no matter how much she would try, she knew that it was futile. There was something within her, something that she could not stop or control, that called for the one that she had put at a distance, for the girl who had quelled her mourning just before.

Hands clenched, the young silver haired woman rose from the seat that she had been at, paperwork left abandoned as it had too many times now, and her feet moved with a gusto that her friend had once thought had been forgotten in her turmoil. It had taken her only a few moments to spot the red head through the throng of students, her eyes drawn to her like metal to a magnet, and her feet quickened to a pace that teachers and classmates thought was forbidden upon school grounds for not being ladylike. "I missed you… Nagisa-chan." Shizuma's arms encircled the girl, and they stood for the school to see the hearts that had broken in each other's absence.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Orokid: Hmm… what to say about this fanfic… Most of it was written a little while ago, probably about a year or so, but I've kept it with me just in case I could, y'know… finish it. I think I have. Maybe. A part of me really wanted to end this basically for the fact that it has been on my computer for so long. Hmm… I suppose I'm not much for words for now. All I suppose I can say is I hope you enjoyed, and please send me a review if you feel like you want to. I'd appreciate it either way. ^_^_


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